I got an email that asked me to address an issue regarding how to answer comments from others. I have written about handling the typical comments that transracial families tend to get when out in public, in this post and in this post. However this person asked about a different “type” of comment, which involves an issue I haven’t tackled yet.

She wrote,

Many parents of Ethiopian children are told by other people "Your child does not look African." Or they comment on how light their skin is or how "delicate their features are”, implying that their child is prettier because of this.

My son is not even home yet, and a friend said to me after seeing his picture "he is so beautiful, he does not even look African." I replied "he is African, he is from Africa." She went on to say "Oh, I know but he doesn't look like it."

Do have any good replies to give to these people who say this with still being tactful? How should we address this? Thanks!

This is an interesting dilemma, and one that is not unique to Ethiopian adoptions. I have also heard some babies from Guatemala being praised as “very light skinned”, as if that makes them better and more desirable, and when I was in Vietnam, it was the fairest-skinned babies that were “the most beautiful” according to the nannies. And when you look at domestic newborn adoptions, “bi racial” or “multi racial” babies are much easier to place than full African American babies…the only difference there being skin tone.

There definitely seems to be a “lighter=better” mindset for a lot of people. Sad.

So how do you deal with it?

This is more tricky to handle than comments that are obviously rude or intrusive, because the person is TRYING to compliment your child, and are most likely oblivious that they are being rude or saying something derogatory.

I try to tackle it in two parts…addressing the misconception that “all Africans look alike” and addressing the misconception that lighter is better.

We have gotten these sort of comments about Belane, who has very delicate features, as is typical for Ethiopians, and I have responded along the lines of, “Africa is a big continent, and the people of Africa have very many different “looks”, depending on where they are from. The people of Ethiopia often have lighter skin and more Caucasian-looking features than people in other parts of Africa. We think Belane is very beautiful, but we think all of our kids are beautiful.”

We have kids in just about every shade of the skin-color spectrum, including one daughter who is very, very dark, and we would hate for her to ever get the impression that someone was more beautiful than her because they had lighter skin (it would be hard though…she is gorgeous!!!).

Belane is not light-skinned, so we do not get that aspect of it much, but if we did I would either point out that our other daughters have dark skin and are also beautiful or say something like, “We think kids of all shades and colors are wonderful and beautiful.”

So I think something along those lines would be a good way to handle it…making the point that there is not just “one look” to Africans, and that people of all shades are beautiful.

When I was talking about this with my husband, he pointed out the struggles we have along these lines with our two Asian daughters…both are the same age (5 ½), but are the same size (tiny) and both have long, black gorgeous hair. But it is Maggie that people will go on and on about how beautiful she is, often when Amanda is standing right there next to her.

Amanda has a birth defect that affects the shape of her mouth…it is not anything significant, but it seems to be “enough” to make a difference. Mother’s prejudice aside, Maggie is an exceptionally beautiful girl, but so is Amanda. We often have to say something to get someone to realize that they are being hurtful to look at two little girls standing together and only going on about how beautiful one of them is. Ugh.

I guess it all goes to show how much importance people still put into physical appearance, and how quick and to what standards people judge beauty.

So here is my advice...

I think that the perfect "prepared responses" for comments have to be short and sweet...make the point without making a lecture. :)

I would add, that as I have said before, no matter what the “comment” is that you are responding to, that the message that your child or children gets from you should always come first. Little kids are always listening, and much of their self-esteem about themselves, their "race", their culture, their place of birth, etc. will come from how we handle these and other similar situations.

From the comment above, a child could easily get the impression that “looking African” would be a bad thing, and since that child IS African, you want them to be proud of that, not glad they don’t “look like it”. So give the message you want your child to hear…

Let them hear you tell people that your child does look African…he looks Ethiopian. Confirm that the people of Ethiopia are beautiful, but let him hear you say that you think all of the people of Africa, both light and dark, are beautiful. I think that those responses are tactful, but make the point and send a positive message.

Anyone else have some helpful hints on how to handle this one? Leave a comment. :)