In my last post I started writing about how many transracial adoptive parents who choose to adopt internationally get questioned by others as to "why" they did not adopt from the U.S. and "take care of their own". Usually these questions about why parents would adopt a child from another country when there are children waiting in the U.S., is full of judgment and negativity.

I know many an international adoptive parent who has been asked this question by family members, friends and total strangers, so today I am going to write about how to answer it.

In my last post I wrote about some of the benefits to domestic adoption and foster care adoption. There are benefits to adopting from the U.S. and there are indeed many children waiting for adoption who deserve families.

However, there are also many children all over the world waiting for adoption, and there are many benefits to international adoption. Here are some:

- If you want a baby, there are babies waiting for families in many countries, unlike in the U.S., where you have to wait to be chosen by a pregnant mother planning adoption for her child.

- While there are always risks in adoption, in international adoption it is very uncommon for a birth family to "reclaim" a child after they are offered for adoption. On the flip side, parents choosing to adopt domestically have to be willing to accept and even embrace the fact that even if a mother is planning adoption for her child, that child is hers and hers alone until the point that she actually signs the papers and places him with the adoptive parents. Many parents adopting domestically have several "matches" fall through before a placement happens, and many adoptive parents aren't willing to take those risks.

- If you want to adopt a baby, you do not need to wait to be chosen in international adoption like you do in domestic adoption, you just need to get in line, complete the paperwork and follow the process.

- There is some level of predictability to the process. International adoptions are definitely full of surprises and ups and downs, and yet they do tend to follow a process. For example you know you will have to complete a homestudy, immigration, fingerprints, dossier, referral, court and travel.

- The children available for adoption in the U.S. through the foster care system have often been taken away from their parents due to neglect, abuse or some combination of the two. These children have also usually had multiple placements, and these histories can make parenting and bonding very challenging. Not all adoptive parents are willing, able or prepared to parent a child with significant emotional, behavioral or medical special needs. While the children available for adoption internationally certainly have also experienced great loss and sometimes even abuse, many of the children have had the love and security of a first family and have learned how to love and trust.

- For some families, such as mine, adopting from the foster care system is not an option. Many of the states have guidelines as to who can and who can not adopt. Even though we were open to older, special needs children, we were told our family was too big to adopt from foster care.

- Having a relationship with your child's birth family through a domestic adoption can be very challenging.


All of these are reasons why some parents choose international adotion (and I am sure there are others), and sometimes parents just feel called to adopt internationally. Some adoptive parents have connections to other countries and cultures. International adoption appeals to some people for many different reasons.

What is boils down to for me is that no child is more deserving of a family than any other and every adoptive parent has the right to chose the right type of adoption for their family, and should be able to do so without judgement. We have adopted three children domestically and we have adopted four children internationally. I do not believe that my children born in the U.S. have more of a "right" to us as an adoptive family than my internationally adopted children do.

Where to adopt from is a very personal choice. For international adoptive parents who hear the question, "Why didn't you adopt from the U.S.?" there are many ways to answer. You can give a quick sum-up of the pros of international adoption and/or why domestic adoption wasn't right for you (it is easy for me to say, "we didn't qualify to adopt from the foster care system"), but usually a short, to the point response is best.

I usually point out that we have adopted domestically and internationally, and then say something along the lines of, "I believe all children deserve love, family and security, no matter where they were born."

I'd love to hear how you answer this question. Leave me a comment and let me hear your best response!