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Continuing on in the thread of barriers to adoptions and concerns related to adopting…
I have already written about the worries that many prospective adoptive parents have about being able to love an adopted child “the same” as they would love a child that they gave 
birth to (you can read those posts here and here if you missed them).
Today I am going to write about the worry that many adoptive parents have about their adopted child being able to love them in return. Will your new child love you? Will they reject you? Will they bond and attach to you? Will they have attachment issues or disorders?
These are common worries in adoptive parents, as all adoptive parents want their adopted child to be able to be a happy, healthy and loving member of the family.
I wish that I could say that all adopted children are able to build strong and healthy attacments to their parents and that this isn’t a legitimate worry for adoptive parents. However, the reality is that attachment issues do happen in adopted children and this is a topic that adoptive parents should educate themselves on. Reactive Attachment Disorder and other attachment disorders are real and very difficult to live with.
The good news is that many, many adopted children do end up developing healthy attachment with their new parents, although this takes more time for some children than it does for others. All parents should be prepared for attachment and bonding to be a process that takes time, work, attention and energy, and not expect it to be instant. Like all relationships, building bonds and attachment with a new child takes work.
On the other hand, prospective adoptive parents should remember that most children are very resilient and truly do want to be loved, and that security, time, patience, consistency and love can do a whole lot of good in the life of a child.
First, a quick explanation of a typical bonding/attachment process between a parent and a baby. As an infant, there is a cycle that starts with the baby having a need (food, diaper change, attention, etc.). The baby cries to express that need. The parents respond to the baby’s crying and meet the baby’s need, and then the baby is comforted. In this process, the baby learns that when he cries, his parent is going to respond and care for him. He learns to feel safe and secure. This basic early communication and trust building is very important for the baby’s future development and bonding and attachment.
As the baby grows into a toddler and a child, they repeatedly build on those early bonds and attachment by having their needs met, having their parents keep them safe, having loving interactions, etc. They become well-bonded to their parent.
On the flip side of things, when a baby cries and no one responds…he is not picked up, fed, cuddled, changed, etc., he learns the opposite message. He learns that he can not trust the people around him to meet his needs. His attempts at communicating are unsuccessful. After a while, many children stop trying to communicate with the adults around them. Children in these situations often develop methods of self-soothing and have difficulty learning to trust and attach to new adults.
Now that we have a basic understanding of attachment, in my next post (which you can find here) I will discuss the risk factors in a child’s life that may make them more likely to have attachment difficulties, and then in the post after that, I will share tips for strenghtening your bond with your new child and resources for more information.
