I think that "worry" is just a part of parenthood, and when you are the parent in a transracial adoption, you have a lot more "worries" than the average parent. Face it, just facing the routine challenges of teething, weaning, potty training, separation anxiety, fevers, colds, ear infections, that horrible first day of Kindergarten (for Mom), bed-time battles, homework, school bullies, braces, letting go, talking back, the facts of life and EIGHT MILLION other things that parents have to deal with, is A LOT. Then add in to that worries about bonding, attachment, culture, heritage, ethnicity, pride, self-esteem, prejudice, birth families and all the other added issues that come in a transracial adoption, and it is easy to see how one could get caught up in the worry.

I have heard a lot of parents with their children already home, who wonder when issues come up if they are “adoption related” or “normal child hood issues”. Often time, how we handle “normal childhood issues”, such as bedtime, can be confounded by adoption too. For instance, where some parents would be ok with letting their child by birth cry for a short period of time before falling asleep in their own room, many adoptive parents wouldn’t dream of such a thing when they are trying to ensure that there child is strongly attached and bonded to them and feels secure.

Here is a great article that handles these issues from Adoption.com. http://transracial.adoption.com/interracial/jigsaw-puzzle.html The article is titled “Jigsaw Puzzle: Parenting Adopted Children of Color” and it was contributed by Pact, An Adoption Alliance. (Learn more about Pact).

The article likens adoptive parenting to “an onion” with “many layers”. It gives several examples of transracially-adopted children and concerns that their parents are having, and how they could be handled. I think most of us could identify with these, either because of similar experiences of just as a parent.

The article concludes with, “Our children require our vigilance and honesty regarding the impact of all the issues that go into our makeup as families. We, as adoptive parents to children of color, must keep track of even greater layers of complexity than other parents. The danger: we will either minimize our differences or emphasize only a few, neither of which will reflect reality, and ultimately abandoning our children to work through the issues on their own, without our help. The benefit: we as families and our children as people be equipped to handle a world growing ever more complex. The very fact of our existence as families can finally empower our children to view things from a position of strength and comfort rather than fear and retreat.”

I found this to be one of the good “thinking” articles. I have certainly had times (especially with a particular strong willed toddler!) where I wondered if her behaviors were related to her adoption or her personality. Now that she has been home there years and we are well bonded and we understand her, I know that my instincts were right and that she was healthily attaching to us way back when. I am sure, especially as one of my AA daughters is on the brink of teenage hood (IKES!!!!) that we will be visiting normal teenager issues and adoption-related ones, and I appreciate the reminder from this article to remember both sides.

So remember that worry is good, because it shows that we are thinking about important issues and caring about our children’s well being. But also remember to try not to overanalyze and to listen to your motherly instincts. And, when all else fails, a hot bath and a good book can do a lot when worry turns into stress.